Behind the Smile

For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath beforehand ordained, that we should walk in them.
EPHESIANS 6:10

I was just a typical church girl, a happy and blessed church girl. I was so active in church's activities. I even joined in the ministry of music in playing instruments and even in choir membership. I have lots of friends, they see me as if I have no problems at all because they know I am a christian. They just see me as a bubbly girl making things more happy and just enjoying God's blessing, but they didn't know that behind those smiles and encouragement was a girl so weak, hiding the deepest tears in my heart.

I easily get discouraged when they insult or get some negative criticisms about me being so childish, but it just the real me, it is  the way I handle myself, the way I am to used to it. I was bullied since I was elementary, saying nasty things about my eyes that are big. "You have big eyes, you are ugly." Those were just some of the criticisms I always hear from others but I exchange with a smile, but deep inside I really wanted to yell at them, but I can't , for me they are too big, I am so afraid to them. That was the time when my confidence level lowered. I easily get distracted. Sometimes I messed up with my mom, and then my father would hit me with a buckle in my legs, which really hurts. I really didn't enjoy my childhood years, most of the time, I stuck my self crying inside my room. It was my comfort zone in which I humbly bow down to God and pray. "Lord am I ugly ?" I was always asking God about at it, but the no answers. I just cheer up and said, I may be not that beautiful but I am unique in my own.I am your masterpiece, O Lord."



 I was a premarital Sex baby, and so my parents really wanted to finish my studies and must graduate on the course I was into. I knew to myself that all along God is with me and so I have no doubts in my course.
I have to face my fears. Let God handle it. And so I get along with my college life. I used to doubt myself once but then I have my friends with me. I pray that God will strengthen me more and finish this. I was still active in the church. I still sing and make my self a living sacrifice. Until such time I had met a guy, I can say that he was my first crush in college. He was our Beau in the class. He was handsome really. We became friends. And I was so happy about it. I shared him the 4 Spiritual Laws. I even invited him in our church. I was so stocked to him. I fell in love with him. But instead of happiness it brought me sadness when at the end of the semester he stopped. We are still communicating, he was able to meet my parents and so do I, but then I think God has a purpose of this. We are really good friends, and so at some point I did confess to him accidentally when I heard that he has already a girlfriend. I was so hurt, saying to myself, Lord how could you hurt me like this, I am your child, but then you gave my love away from me. My confidence level was shut. At that time someone courted me. That was when I was third year college. Because of anger? Jealousy? I said YES. He became my boyfriend. He was a christian. My first boyfriend. My crush/friend knew about it when we are having our first monthsary. I did call him(my crush). I was shocked when I heard him saying I must break up with my boyfriend. I know to myself he was drunk. He said those words. I know he was hurt. Later then before our fourth monthsary, my boyfriend and I broke up. after 3 weeks without communication. I didn't cry. I just let go. I said to myself. The day we broke up was the day I moved on. I was numb. I can't feel the pain. 2 weeks after? my boyfriend had already a new girlfriend, it was said that he was already courting him while we are still in a relationship. I then remembered my crush. he said, I must broke up with my ex. And then I realized he was not really meant for me. God knows I struggled. And I just show my smile to hide my true identity. On the later part, my mother talked to me. There was a problem. My father had an affair. I didn't believed it. I would just believe if he'll spill it from his mouth.

I woke up at 4 a.m hearing my mother's cry. It was then I believed what my mom says was true. I don't know what to do. I didn't talk to my father for about a week. My friends were really worried. I was so silent, and after school, I stuck myself in school and cry. I wasn't that bubbly anymore. I smile sometimes, but those smiles had a pain. And then my mom talked to me again, she said bring out the real you. You are not the same girl I knew. The happy girl I know. And then I realized. I must faced it. And so after 3 weeks of being sad, I came out from my shell. I said to myself, God you are so amazing. You really comfort me when I really need you. For that 3 weeks when I get in to my room I bow down and weakly cry to God.

I forgive my father, even though until now, he didn't asked forgiveness about it.





I am weak. You are weak. We are all weak. But our God is STRONG. He is our strength behind our weaknesses. Behind our pain. Behind our tears.

 Everything has it timing. Let God handle it. :)